Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
