did you get engaged???
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
There was a lot of him and a little penis
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
