Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
