I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
