The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
