let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
