you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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