We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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