In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
