Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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