dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
