it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
