I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
