I will die if light touches me.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
