ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
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