dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
