shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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