I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
