That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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