Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
YAS. BRING CRAB.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
