you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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