I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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