Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
