i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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