just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
