i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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