is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
