I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
