just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
