Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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