last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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