she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
