i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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