just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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