I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
