Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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