Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
