Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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