Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
