Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
At least make sure they are 18
Why
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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