just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
