I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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