I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
there is another microwave in the elevator.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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