Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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