Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
