Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
