I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
