Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just high enough for therapy.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
