you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
