On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
